Fear Of Missing Out

Fear of Missing Out... or, as it’s commonly referred to these days- FOMO. I’ve got it bad. I’ve been developing a strong case of it my entire adult life. I never knew there was a name for it until recently when I noticed someone near and dear to me use it- my darling daughter, Maureen. Recently, I sent her a picture of myself and several of our family members on an outing in Philadelphia and as soon as she received it, she expressed her regret of not being able to be with us in a text message. She entitled her message, “FOMO”. Of course, I was totally unaware of the meaning of this acronym and begged for clarification.  

As soon as she enlightened me as to it’s significance, a light bulb went off in my head. Yes! FOMO. Fear of missing out. Prior to that moment, I couldn’t accurately voice the feeling I experience when those I love hanging out with are hanging out without me. FOMO- it’s all clear to me now. It’s irrational to think that I could be everywhere all the time with everyone. It’s not possible. But, nevertheless, I get this sense of emptiness or “left-out-ness” when others I love regale me with tales of the good times they’ve recently had without me.

Now, before I go any further, please allow me to explain that I have a wonderful relationship with all of my relatives. We have fun together as often as possible. And, I am fortunate enough to say that I have more great friends than I can keep up with. I’ve lived my entire life in both Pennsylvania and New Jersey. I travel back and forth all the time. Naturally, I can’t be in both states at the same time. When I’m visiting friends and relatives in one state, life goes on without me in the other. As it should. Occasionally, I get this nagging feeling that I should be in the “other” state because, perhaps, they are having just a wee bit more fun and games than we are in the state I’m currently in. Does that even make sense? Do I sound like a middle schooler? 

Since I’ve probably totally confused you, I will now give you an example of a typical FOMO situation in my life. I raised my children in the suburbs of Philadelphia. Over the years, I’ve formed many genuine friendships with amazing people who continue to enrich my life. Most of these friends are my neighbors and the parents of my children’s friends. They are the type of friends you thank God for every day. On more occasions than I can count, I’ve enjoyed fun filled weekends with these people. Happy hours. Bike rides. Dinner parties. Exercise walks, etc… Really enjoyable moments. 

After one particular weekend like this, I remember calling my sister in N.J. on a Sunday evening just to chit chat. She asked about my activities from Friday through Sunday and I happily shared my adventures with her. All was well until she innocently started telling me about her weekend experiences. Now, to be sure, the fun she had in N. J. was actually very similar to the fun I had just had in Pa. Friends, parties, laughter, storytelling, etc… I felt only a minor amount of envy as she spoke. I was okay. Under control. Until she happened to mention that everyone was asking for me. Everyone wanted to know why I wasn’t there. The moment I heard those words, that feeling of missing out started kicking in. A sense of regret enveloped me. Questions started circling around in my head like, “Why did I choose Pa. over N.J. that weekend?” And, “ Did they all have more fun than I did?” 

Crazy, right? Nonsensical. A bit immature to say the least. I jokingly asked my sister to stop. I told her that I couldn’t listen to her stories anymore. I explained how jealous they were making me. Please understand that we were both laughing through all of this silliness. Fortunately, she understood what was going on with me. Why, you might ask? Because she and all seven of my siblings struggle with the fear of missing out, too. And, we’ve even unwittingly passed it on to the next generation. For most of my adult life, I thought I was the only person- possibly in the world- who could be envious of others having fun when I was actually having fun, too. I really thought there was something seriously wrong with me. I’d ask myself why I couldn’t be cool like everyone else and just accept the way life works.

Last fall, a long time friend and his wife invited me to join them on their sailboat in La Paz, Mexico for the upcoming Christmas holidays. There were many positives to this invitation and only one negative. He invited his two sisters, as well, one of whom has been my best friend since the first day of high school. He and his wife were going to treat all three of us to the airfare, etc… And, La Paz is one of the prettiest places on Earth. You would think that my answer would have been an easy yes. But, you’d be wrong. Even though I’d never heard the expression FOMO at that time, I knew instinctively that my fear of missing out would overwhelm me in Mexico. 

You see, my family whom I love with all my heart, was going to be together at my sister’s lovely home for the Christmas holiday. For me, nothing beats a family Christmas. Not even a sailboat with great friends in Mexico. If I had chosen the latter, I know that I would've regretted that decision as soon as I got off the plane in Mexico. One of my brothers couldn’t understand why I would turn down such a wonderful offer until I turned the tables on him and asked him what he would have done in that situation. Yes. His fear of missing out would have overwhelmed him, too. We have so much fun with our siblings, children, nieces and nephews that the thought of being away from them on Christmas would be extremely difficult.

After careful consideration, I’ve concluded that the root cause of my family’s fear of missing out is that we have always been people who say yes to life. We are happy, well adjusted people who enjoy a deep love of life and relationships. We want to take it all in at every moment. We understand that it’s as big and wondrous as it seems. We know that life is indeed an adventure to be explored and cherished with others. We believe life is good and we want to participate fully in all that it offers. That’s why we don’t like to miss anything or anyone. So, we learn how to manage our FOMO carefully one event at a time. We ride it out well and count our blessings. 

If you can believe it, as I was writing this story in Pa., I received messages from three different people on my cell phone. One of them was from a cousin who asked if I was at the Devon Horse Show in Pa. which is a big event where he and his family were at the time. And, the others were from two different friends asking the same question,  “Are you on the beach right now listening to the Flynns?” The Flynns are a really fun Irish band at the shore in N.J. whose lead singer just happens to be my brother-in-law. Please feel free to take a wild guess as to my reaction!