Fear Of Missing Out

Fear of Missing Out... or, as it’s commonly referred to these days- FOMO. I’ve got it bad. I’ve been developing a strong case of it my entire adult life. I never knew there was a name for it until recently when I noticed someone near and dear to me use it- my darling daughter, Maureen. Recently, I sent her a picture of myself and several of our family members on an outing in Philadelphia and as soon as she received it, she expressed her regret of not being able to be with us in a text message. She entitled her message, “FOMO”. Of course, I was totally unaware of the meaning of this acronym and begged for clarification.  

As soon as she enlightened me as to it’s significance, a light bulb went off in my head. Yes! FOMO. Fear of missing out. Prior to that moment, I couldn’t accurately voice the feeling I experience when those I love hanging out with are hanging out without me. FOMO- it’s all clear to me now. It’s irrational to think that I could be everywhere all the time with everyone. It’s not possible. But, nevertheless, I get this sense of emptiness or “left-out-ness” when others I love regale me with tales of the good times they’ve recently had without me.

Now, before I go any further, please allow me to explain that I have a wonderful relationship with all of my relatives. We have fun together as often as possible. And, I am fortunate enough to say that I have more great friends than I can keep up with. I’ve lived my entire life in both Pennsylvania and New Jersey. I travel back and forth all the time. Naturally, I can’t be in both states at the same time. When I’m visiting friends and relatives in one state, life goes on without me in the other. As it should. Occasionally, I get this nagging feeling that I should be in the “other” state because, perhaps, they are having just a wee bit more fun and games than we are in the state I’m currently in. Does that even make sense? Do I sound like a middle schooler? 

Since I’ve probably totally confused you, I will now give you an example of a typical FOMO situation in my life. I raised my children in the suburbs of Philadelphia. Over the years, I’ve formed many genuine friendships with amazing people who continue to enrich my life. Most of these friends are my neighbors and the parents of my children’s friends. They are the type of friends you thank God for every day. On more occasions than I can count, I’ve enjoyed fun filled weekends with these people. Happy hours. Bike rides. Dinner parties. Exercise walks, etc… Really enjoyable moments. 

After one particular weekend like this, I remember calling my sister in N.J. on a Sunday evening just to chit chat. She asked about my activities from Friday through Sunday and I happily shared my adventures with her. All was well until she innocently started telling me about her weekend experiences. Now, to be sure, the fun she had in N. J. was actually very similar to the fun I had just had in Pa. Friends, parties, laughter, storytelling, etc… I felt only a minor amount of envy as she spoke. I was okay. Under control. Until she happened to mention that everyone was asking for me. Everyone wanted to know why I wasn’t there. The moment I heard those words, that feeling of missing out started kicking in. A sense of regret enveloped me. Questions started circling around in my head like, “Why did I choose Pa. over N.J. that weekend?” And, “ Did they all have more fun than I did?” 

Crazy, right? Nonsensical. A bit immature to say the least. I jokingly asked my sister to stop. I told her that I couldn’t listen to her stories anymore. I explained how jealous they were making me. Please understand that we were both laughing through all of this silliness. Fortunately, she understood what was going on with me. Why, you might ask? Because she and all seven of my siblings struggle with the fear of missing out, too. And, we’ve even unwittingly passed it on to the next generation. For most of my adult life, I thought I was the only person- possibly in the world- who could be envious of others having fun when I was actually having fun, too. I really thought there was something seriously wrong with me. I’d ask myself why I couldn’t be cool like everyone else and just accept the way life works.

Last fall, a long time friend and his wife invited me to join them on their sailboat in La Paz, Mexico for the upcoming Christmas holidays. There were many positives to this invitation and only one negative. He invited his two sisters, as well, one of whom has been my best friend since the first day of high school. He and his wife were going to treat all three of us to the airfare, etc… And, La Paz is one of the prettiest places on Earth. You would think that my answer would have been an easy yes. But, you’d be wrong. Even though I’d never heard the expression FOMO at that time, I knew instinctively that my fear of missing out would overwhelm me in Mexico. 

You see, my family whom I love with all my heart, was going to be together at my sister’s lovely home for the Christmas holiday. For me, nothing beats a family Christmas. Not even a sailboat with great friends in Mexico. If I had chosen the latter, I know that I would've regretted that decision as soon as I got off the plane in Mexico. One of my brothers couldn’t understand why I would turn down such a wonderful offer until I turned the tables on him and asked him what he would have done in that situation. Yes. His fear of missing out would have overwhelmed him, too. We have so much fun with our siblings, children, nieces and nephews that the thought of being away from them on Christmas would be extremely difficult.

After careful consideration, I’ve concluded that the root cause of my family’s fear of missing out is that we have always been people who say yes to life. We are happy, well adjusted people who enjoy a deep love of life and relationships. We want to take it all in at every moment. We understand that it’s as big and wondrous as it seems. We know that life is indeed an adventure to be explored and cherished with others. We believe life is good and we want to participate fully in all that it offers. That’s why we don’t like to miss anything or anyone. So, we learn how to manage our FOMO carefully one event at a time. We ride it out well and count our blessings. 

If you can believe it, as I was writing this story in Pa., I received messages from three different people on my cell phone. One of them was from a cousin who asked if I was at the Devon Horse Show in Pa. which is a big event where he and his family were at the time. And, the others were from two different friends asking the same question,  “Are you on the beach right now listening to the Flynns?” The Flynns are a really fun Irish band at the shore in N.J. whose lead singer just happens to be my brother-in-law. Please feel free to take a wild guess as to my reaction! 

 It Could All Change In An Instant

Something happened the other day that reminded me how quickly things can shift in life. I was taking care of my friends’ children for the week at their home in Pennsylvania and having a wonderful experience. The parents were vacationing in Europe and I was in charge. I love this family very much and always enjoy myself when I am in their home. I’ve been an overnight nanny for them for about ten years. 

This family loves animals. They have four dogs and a cat. At one point, they owned horses, too. They are very loving to their pets and treat them well. Although I’ve taken good care of the cat, we’ve never really bonded. I admit that I am not a “cat person”. I’ve tried, but it’s just not happening. But, the dogs, well, I just love them. They are so affectionate and easy to deal with. They just want to play, run around and be petted. At all times. Oh, and, have snacks as often as possible. 

On this particular morning, one of the pups kept enticing me to throw the ball to him. I happily spent about ten minutes doing so. He was little, spry and cute. Soon after, all four dogs begged to go outside and I sent them on their merry way out the door. They all have electric collars. So, they can be on their own when they leave the house.

Within minutes, I heard a car pull up the driveway. What took place after that still makes me want to cry. One of the small dogs ran under the car and was killed instantly. The pup I was just playing with! It took me off guard. I could not wrap my head around it. How could this be? Fun & games one minute. And, disaster the next.  So sad!

Then, a few days later, dear, long time friends invited me to their home to tell me all about a trip they were due to take in the next few days to Italy to visit their daughter who is studying in Rome. They were so excited to go over their itinerary with me and I was thrilled for them. I bid them a fond adieu and asked them to send lots of pictures of their travels. 

Next thing you know, my phone rang with the disturbing news that these wonderful friends had been in a car accident. Another automobile had turned right in front of them on a very busy road making a collision inevitable. Serious injuries were sustained but fortunately nothing life threatening. Again, disbelief set in for me. Why did this happen? So upsetting!

In the week following these events, I’ve tried to look at the big picture to see if there was anything I could learn from these sudden challenging situations. Was the Universe trying to teach me something? I was really searching for a lesson to take away from these occurrences that had been troubling me so. Here’s what I came up with after giving it some serious thought.

Maybe I was supposed to be focussing on gratitude more than I had been. I am a very fortunate person because all of my relationships are happy ones. I have a tremendous amount of Love in my life. I am surrounded by easy going, kind people who enrich my experience here on earth. I have everything I need. I want for nothing. Was I thanking the good Lord enough on a regular basis? Something to think about. 

Or, had I been falling into the bad habit of taking things for granted? Was I living in the moment enough? Or, was I absentmindedly not noticing the beauty that envelops me every day? Was I treasuring the good times? Or, was I letting them pass by with little thought? For many years now, I’ve come to an understanding that everything happens the way it’s supposed to happen. I believe that  everything is in Divine order. I think that there is a master plan orchestrated by a Loving Being. It’s impossible to comprehend every detail of this plan. We, as human beings, do not posses the necessary reasoning power.

I don’t know why bad things suddenly happen. Who does? But, I’d like to start working on accepting that life unfolds exactly as it is meant to. I only have control of a small portion of what goes on around me. Please Dear Lord help me to avoid taking anything for granted. Please help me to be grateful always. And, please help me to remember The Serenity Prayer- “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.” ( Thank you, Reinhold Niebuhr )

“ If You Want To Fly…

… you have to give up the things that weigh you down.”   Marianne Williamson, one of my favorite Spiritual teachers, wrote that quote. Her words spoke to me immediately. I am an inspiration seeker. So, whenever I read a quote, or simply hear someone say something that opens up my mind to a better way of looking at my life, I write their words down in a notebook. I use these notebooks the same way that a student does. I study them and try with all my might to incorporate the message they hold for me in my thinking so as to enlighten myself on a daily basis. Gary Zukav, a Harvard physicist, refers to life as “the earth school”. I see it that way, as well.

When I read this quote, I break it up into two parts so that I am able to get as much out of it as possible. To me, the words If I want to fly mean if I want to be all that I can be, if I want to live up to my potential, if I want to become the person God intends me to be. And, I do. I want all of this. I am finished living a life of limits. I am ready to soar ahead. I am prepared to let the universe- God- take the reins. I am ready to surrender to the Divine Intelligence that keeps the planets in alignment, the rivers flowing to the sea and the grass growing. I am willing to co-create with God a life worth living, a life to really be excited about, a life that lights me up every day. Out with complacency and in with adventure.

I’ve contemplated the pros and cons of staying in my comfort zone. I’ve faced my fear of the unknown. I’m determined to shake off sameness and forge ahead even if I don’t know all the details of my new journey. Life doesn’t come with a map or a set of instructions. Often, you just have to wing it. Just go where your instincts tell you to go. I’m learning that it’s best to follow the voice inside with no regrets if you misunderstand it once in a while remembering what Thomas Edison said, “It’s not a mistake if you learn from it”. 

I believe I’ve fully delved into and sifted through the “If I want to fly…” part of the Marianne Williamson quote. I know I want to fly. With every fiber of my being, I want to take off into the wild blue yonder.

Now, onto the action part of this quote- “…you have to give up the things that weigh you down.”  Easier said than done, but doable. Definitely doable. Contemplation, stillness and just plain paying attention to your everyday activities will help you produce a list that can be used as a beneficial guide. A little while ago, I came across a quote by John C. Maxwell that I found to be of great value. He wrote, “You will never change your life until you change something you do daily. The secret of your success is found in your daily routine”. This is where paying attention is vital. And, honesty is a plus. You have to get real to determine where change is necessary.

So, without further adieu, here are the things that I know I have to let go of. And, the funny thing is, they are all found in my daily routine. Thank you, Mr. Maxwell. I need to take better care of myself. Much better. I matter. It’s crazy that I never realized that before. I need to improve my diet by eating food that nourishes me and sustains good health. I need to make good eating habits a top priority. On that note, I am going to make a good plan for myself every day and stick to it no matter what is going on in my life. I will write down on paper exactly what I need to consume at every meal so as to start forming good habits that will come naturally to me down the road. That’s not so hard to do, now is it? What’s that old saying? “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail”. So, plan, Shelagh, plan. 

In addition to following a sensible meal plan, I need to give up alcohol. Yes. It’s true. I know deep in my heart that it’s holding me back in life. I’m not your stereotypical alcoholic but I have an alcohol problem in that I have become somewhat dependent on it several nights a week. Just being honest. I really, really don’t want to go down the path of full blown dependency. No way. So, I need to rise above the pull to drink alcohol. People do it all the time and so can I. I will feel better and have boundless energy if I abstain from alcohol and eat sensibly. Oh, and get more sleep. I can do all of these things if I believe I can. 

One more item on the list of things that weigh me down. I need to let go of self doubt and acknowledge my gifts and talents. We all have them. The good Lord didn’t skip over anyone. So, instead of telling myself that I don’t have what it takes, I need to follow my bliss. That’s where my purpose, my passion, lies. Writing turns me on and lifts me up. So, instead of saying I want to be a writer, I’m just plain going to be one. Now. Today. Yes! And, no more procrastinating or wasting time. 

New mantra- “Our lives change when our habits change."

A Work in Progress

                  

                                    A Work In Progress

A short while ago, I came across a book entitled, You Are A Badass. Of course, I had to pick it up and skim through it in hopes that the author, Jen Sincero, was referring to me. Funny thing. It turns out she was. I am, in fact, a Badass because I try every day to kick it up a notch, or two, in my life. I know that I can do better and I’m willing to stand up and require more of myself. 

One thing that I know about life is that we are constantly co-creating our experience with God, or the Universe- whatever you’d like to call the Divine Intelligence that permeates the atmosphere bringing us gravity, oceans and the ability to be self actualized beings capable of so very much.

Thomas Alva Edison once said, “If we did all the things we are capable of, we would literally astound ourselves”. Since Edison and I are both from New Jersey, I gladly put my trust in this statement. He, also, said, “Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time”. Thank you, Mr. Edison. This brilliant man certainly knew what he was talking about because it took him many, many attempts to perfect the light bulb. What if he had given up and told himself that it’s useless to go on? We’d all be stumbling around in the dark every evening.

I love to read anything and everything that can help me open my mind to all the possibilities that lie before me. I seek inspiration with every breath I take. Fortunately, I’ve found that it is all around me because God is inspiration and we all know where He is. Yes. Everywhere. People inspire me. Books, events, quotes, etc… They all help to raise my awareness of my purpose. I am so grateful that I don’t have to figure everything out on my own. There is assistance to be had at any moment. All I have to do is seek it. Cool!

“Manifesting your ideal life requires working on your subconscious, bringing it to light, so that you can experience both your subconscious and conscious in alignment with your True Nature”. I read this quote the other day and connected with it immediately. It was written by Chris Cade. To me, it means that our conscious thoughts must be in harmony with our subconscious thoughts. And, these thoughts must be of a positive nature so as to guide us to fulfill our passion.

Our conscious mind is awareness, concern, interest. It’s the mental activity of which a person is aware. It is the ability to experience or feel. It is wakefulness. The subconscious mind describes thoughts that are just below our conscious awareness. Thought patterns that we’ve ingrained in our brain over time. They can be positive and useful or negative and, therefore, counterproductive. The subconscious is very powerful. So, it is vital to eliminate negative thoughts and replace them with positive affirmations. 

There is no truth to negativity because life does not support it. I fully believe that the universe works for us not against us. So, negativity is not real. We imagine it, believe it and store it in our subconscious. But, when you consciously have a mantra, or personal mission statement, that says  words to the effect that, “I am capable, I am creative, I am resourceful”, then these thoughts will eventually make their way into your subconscious which in turn will propel you toward well being. In other words, as Jimmy Buffett sings in one of his songs, “Believe it and it will come true.

In my life, consciously, I want to be a person who takes really good care of herself every day. And, I want to write about Peace and Love to help this world become a better place. To top that off, I, also, want to start a charitable foundation to help those in need. To date, I have not been successful  in achieving these goals much to my disappointment. 

After great reflection, I’ve concluded that my failure to reach these goals lies in the fact that my conscious mind and my subconscious mind haven’t been in the alignment Chris Cade speaks of. Basically, my conscious mind says on a regular basis, “You can do it, Shelagh Bradley. You can achieve anything you put your mind to.” Sounds good, right? However, at the same time my subconscious mind counters that positivity with this line of thinking, “No, you can’t. You silly girl. Who do you think you are anyway???” 

See the tug of war there? No progress can be made unless this beautiful thing called alignment takes place. Thank you, Chris Cade, for opening my mind to this idea. If we want to be happy and successful, we must believe on the conscious and subconscious level that we can achieve that which we desire. 

Now that I’m in the process of  bringing my negative subconscious thoughts to light, I can reprogram them to be an advantage rather than a detriment. Deepak Chopra says that, “You must get to the place inside where you believe anything is possible.” He, also, says that, “To have the desire for something means you can accomplish it. Or else, you wouldn’t have it.”

Wish me luck. Please!!!

Just The Two Of Us

                                                                Just The Two Of Us

On a very cold day in January 1979, my sweet Mom awakened me early with a happy smile on her face. “Let’s take a little trip over to Ocean City today”, she said in an intriguing voice. “I have a surprise for you!” I am part of a large family- a tribe it seems at times. I have seven brothers and sisters bringing the total family number to ten. So, the thought of being able to spend the day alone with my Mom on some sort of adventure made me spring right out of bed. There was always so much to do every day to keep the ship afloat that small excursions like this were rare.

I grew up on a barrier island in South Jersey- Absecon Island. Our small town of Margate is a quick fifteen minute car ride to Ocean City which is another barrier island just to the south of Absecon Island. My Mother kept a mysterious air about her as we travelled across the bridge from one island to the next. I instinctively knew that something good was about to take place but I had no idea what that was to be. “No questions, please!”, was her response when I started my inquiry about our destination. 

Before too long, we were parking the car on Asbury Avenue in front of a small shop with the title, “Something Old Something New” painted above the front door. My heart skipped a beat as it dawned on me what the surprise was- a visit to a bridal salon. My very first. At the time, I was engaged to be married with a wedding date of May 12th. Four months away. I could barely speak as we entered this quaint, little boutique. Brides-to-be have been purchasing gowns with their Mothers since the beginning of time. But, not this bride-to be or this Mother. It was a first for us and we were in awe. I hugged her tight and thanked her profusely. 

I can still visualize the sea of white in front of us. Gorgeous dresses everywhere. We did not know where to begin the search. I remember my Mom saying, “Let’s take our time.” A wise idea indeed. We smiled at each other and nervously took our first steps down the left side of the store. Believe it or not, I had no preconceived notion of what my wedding dress should look like except for the standard color and length- white and long. Pretty vague.  Fortunately, the sales women were busy assisting other customers. So, we felt free to take it all in without any pressure. 

For some reason, a gown in the first row was hanging on a rod perpendicular to all of the other dresses. So, naturally, it caught our attention. I was attracted to it immediately and with my Mother’s encouragement, I tried it on. I loved, loved, loved it from the moment she zipped me up. We both gasped and giggled at my reflection in the mirror. I was in Heaven and little did I know, my Mom was, too. At that moment, the shop owner came in the dressing room and showered us with compliments. She was smiling and laughing with us as she explained that seeing the joy on the faces of Mothers and daughters in her store never got old. 

I never wanted that moment to end. I knew that it was an experience that I would treasure forever. The sensible thing to do in a situation like that would have been to put the dress aside and continue the search. I can’t imagine a bride-to-be today settling on the first gown she tries on. Unheard of. In this day and age, looking for the perfect bridal gown is a mission that encompasses many stores in different cities with several family members and friends assembled for advice and approval. But, that was definitely not the way my Mother and I had dreamed of this day. It was always going to be just the two of us. 

Being the kind woman my Mom was, she kept her thoughts on the dress to herself until she was absolutely sure I had given it enough consideration. I could not pry an opinion out of her for what seemed like an eternity. She insisted that this decision fell completely on my shoulders. I knew I had made up my mind once and for all when the thought of taking the gown off to try on others saddened me. I turned to her and announced that this dress was the one. Upon hearing those words, my Mother was overcome with excitement because she was in love with the dress, as well. Our thoughts were in complete and total harmony. 

Needless to say, the purchase was made that day and alterations began immediately. Never once did I have second thoughts about only trying on one gown. When it’s the one, you know it. I thank God for that special day alone with my Mom whenever I drive past that little shop. It’s no longer a bridal salon but that’s okay because the memory of that day can never be erased from my mind. 

Sweet, lovely Jane Bradley died three years after my wedding. Almost thirty four years ago, as I write this post. I still miss her with all my heart!

Be The Change…

…you wish to see in the world. We’ve heard those words from Mahatma Ghandi countless times. Every person the world over needs to contemplate the meaning of this advice as it relates to them as individuals. 

Terrorism has struck our planet again recently. The deadly attacks on the people of Paris have left us reeling. We are all still processing the details trying to ascertain how this could happen again, and again, and again. Just before the mayhem occurred in The City of Lights, extreme acts of violence took place in other regions of the globe. 

Hatred and the desire to destroy seem to be the main goal of the people responsible for these atrocities. Man’s inhumanity to man flourishes. Peace seems unattainable. Everyone struggles for an answer to this nightmare that we are experiencing.  What can we do? What direction should we go in? We as a nation and as a global community are searching, seeking a sensible, feasible, effective approach. No one knows how to solve this problem at this time. 

We need guidance. Divine Guidance. Dear Lord, please show us the way. Only you can advise us of the best course of action. We, as humans, are at a loss. We can’t solve this urgent problem without you. We seem to keep making matters worse. Please direct us. Fill the hearts and minds of the world leaders with wisdom and compassion. Teach us to care about all of your children. Please remind us that we are all one with you, with each other and with the earth. 

We are all connected. As it says in A Course in Miracles, “A sense of separation from God is the only lack you really need correct”. Please help us do so, Dear God. We need a miracle!

Share the Love!

            I have been calling myself "The Peace and Love Girl" since my high school and college days in the seventies. That description still fits me perfectly. I am not anti- anything. I am pro- kindness.

I believe that when we are either a provider of an act of kindness, a recipient of an act of kindness or someone in the energy field of an act of kindness, we benefit greatly from the experience. Our " happy hormone" (serotonin) increases and we feel good. We naturally want to share that good feeling by keeping the Love flowing.

I've always known that giving and receiving kindness leads to joy. But, until I really started paying attention to my feelings, I didn't realize that just observing one human being doing something nice for another could elevate my mood- my sense of well being.

It's pretty cool how that works. Love is the only thing that is real. Everything else

-including fear, doubt, worry-is only an illusion.

We all long to feel good. Some of us go to tremendous lengths to find happiness as if it is something outside ourselves. We look in the wrong direction. Money, power, material goods, drugs,etc... fool us into thinking we've found the magic cure for unhappiness.

 When we keep our hearts and minds open to the high energy of Love, we discover that it's always been available to us. It is ever present within us-not outside us. We can tap into this higher power whenever we'd like. 

Connecting to Love, happiness and inner peace is not a complicated search. If we want to feel good, all we have to do is be kind. Kind to ourselves and everyone else on Earth. When Jesus said, "Love One Another", He gave us a beautiful guide to happiness. So, with that thought in mind, I've created a blog to share great stories of Love, kindness, compassion, generosity, etc... I invite you to join me in a pleasant journey to happiness.